Cheeses of Nazareth

Jim Bakker: A Dog and His Vomit

2008-03-22T21:36:00.017-05:00

Grace Chapel-Branson, MO

First I thought it was a joke. Then I was horrified. Now I just don't know what to think. Remember

Jim Bakker, PTL and Heritage USA??? Well guess what? He's back with a 600 acre development in Branson, MO called Morningside. Morningside is a planned community, and home of "Grace Chapel" the set of his new TV show.

He has learned his lesson though, none of the holdings are in his name. His investors have been very cooperative, and the Bakker name is not on any of the paper work. That would be sticky, since he still owes the IRS over six million dollars.

What makes my brain implode is that he HAS investors.

People are giving him MILLIONS of dollars... AGAIN.....

And another TV show, where he begs for money....AGAIN......

St. Louis Dispatch

Jim Bakker Show Home Page

Jesus Struck by Lightning

2008-03-22T21:18:00.004-05:00

Story

Intellectual Street Fight. teil eins, I got served.

2008-02-22T22:52:00.002-06:00

I went to a local university gaming convention this weekend. Its actualy growing to be quite a large one. As you may have guessed, I am a gaming nerd...not the computer type, you know...pencil and paper gaming...like Dungeons and Dragons. The convention also boasts a large variety of exhibitors (people selling stuff) all kinds of games, round table discussions about the future of Role Playing, War Games and the like and even a really good independant film festival.
What it also has, strange as it may seem, is a group of Christian Gamers in the throes of an outreach to the unchurched gaming masses.
It was these people whom I encountered on my way out of the building to the parking lot this evening.
I had seen some of them walking around with a sign that read "fill out a survey and win free food and prizes." they are not allowed to solicit so this is what they do. I did not want their free food or prizes...but I do like filling out surveys. This one took the form of answers that were to be rated from very much agree to very much disagree. The questions were meant to be simple, but leading. However, they were NOT simple questions at all.
To warm up, they get your contact info, for later mailings of invites to church etc. I only gave them my email address and my name. Then the questions began. These firstly took the form of simple things such as "are you searching for meaning in your life?" and "do you believe in God or a higher power". They got more muddy as they went along. To be fair, I dont imagine that most people would find questions like "do you believe that god punishes us for our misdeeds?" and "Do you believe that we can know God?" very muddy or complex. I, however, do. I have a BA in Theology/missions and Pastoral Counciling and a Masters of Divinity...but I am not a Christian. So, I answered the questions and included footnotes deliniateing my caviats to their questions. A person, whom I can only imagine is the "Leader", noticed that I was taking my time with the questions and asked me about it. I told him that they were not all simple questions and explained my caviats. He remarked that he recognised me from last years con and asked me if I would be interested in participating in a Christian Gaming Club. I told him that I thought that this would be a bad idea. He asked why and I evaded...not wanting to bandy about my religious possitions in public and get into an argument right there. However, he percieved my reluctence as a lack of conviction in my own beliefs as well as figureing out that I have a brand x religion. So, with a sly look on his face he said "would you like to meet for lunch and discuss spritual matters? My treat." I remarked that I would love to do so, but would pay for my own lunch. I asked him when would be a good day, and told him that Thursday was my best day. I told him to email me when it would be a good time and we could make an appointment to have lunch. I then bid him and his cohort a good evening and left for home.
It will be interesting to see what happens. The survey had a space where one could list ones place of worship. I listed the religious group that I am head of. We have a website. I will find it interesting to see if, firstly he actually makes an apointment for luch and secondly to see if he has read our web page by the time we actually have lunch.
Do not worry dear reader. I shall keep you posted here.

Manic Street Preachers

2008-01-09T20:05:00.000-06:00

It is only appropos that in a blog called Cheeses of Nazareth, we present some comic relief from the OTHER comedy that's going on in Bibleland. A band that calls itself Manic Street Preachers DEMANDS to be spotlighted here. This YouTube clip is the uber-fabulous (and oh-so-relevant) video for "And If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next". Enjoy.

Separation of Church and State

2008-01-09T15:35:00.000-06:00

Just in case you were starting to think that the seperation of church and state isnt a big concern, here is a reminder of "how deep the rabbit hole goes" when it comes to Christian extremism.

This is a quote from an essay entitled
"How to Force the Government of the USA to End Legalized Abortion" by Neal Horsley

"Only the threat of the terror of the sword wielded by God’s ministers of government can arrest legalized abortion in the USA."

Here's another gem from the Party's stated strategy

"THE MAJORITY IS THE PROBLEM
The average American—the majority—has proven to be the root of the problem that results in The Creator’s Rights being trampled in the United States of America. No State presently has a majority willing to restore The Creator to His rightful place of authority. Even when government officials like Judge Roy Moore arise to attempt to restore The Creator to His rightful place, the majority fails to support him and the attempt is defeated. Let us no longer pander to the majority.

Granted, these guys are obviously insane wack jobs. But that is the point exactly. Nothing goes together better than mental illness and religious extremism. A very good reason to keep such things out of governmental legislation, where things are already insane enough.

Jesus Trumps Rush Limbaugh as Huckabee wins Iowa Republican Caucus

2008-01-04T13:26:00.000-06:00

Huckabee has offended the "Dr. of Democracy" Rush Limbaugh.
Supposedly one of Huckabee's staff members posted a blog accusing of Rush Limbaugh of secretly hoping that Hillary Clinton would win, to give him better material for his radio show. Rush responded with the anticipated animosity...

"The Huckabee campaign is trying to dumb down conservatism in order to get it to conform with his record," is one quote from Rush, summing up his opinion of the candidate.

It was a surprise then,(at least for me)to see Huckabee taking the lead in Iowa. At least until you realize that only 14% of non evangelical republicans (statistic from Rush Limbaugh)voted for the Huckster. There was a massive campaign among Iowan Evangelicals to get out and vote Huckabee, lest their beloved Christian Nation fall into the hands of an evil Mormon. Never mind that Mormons worship the same god, and have the same set of moralistic narrow mindedness,no no... thats not enough for the evangelical right. They will not be satisfied until Jesus himself is in the white house. Or at least a Cartoon likeness.

A Few Thoughts on the Religious Right

2008-01-04T13:21:00.000-06:00

A very thoughtful and well spoken essay on the idiocy of the religious right.

Confessions of a Retail Whore

2007-12-29T23:23:00.000-06:00

Yes, its true...I am a retail whore. What else is a guy to do with two masters degrees? However, education is not my topic here. No, the subject of tonights epistle is the Xmas retail season. I have never been a huge fan of Xmas. It has always seemed to be a day when the members of my family took special glee in inflicting misery and derision on everyone else. Kind of like that Simpson's episode when they are all hooked up to the electroshock machine and they each have a button that is capable of giving someone else in the circuit a shock...if you don't know what I mean check it out. You will understand.
Added to this great Xmastide tradition is that of the shopping season. It is a time when everyone drives the roads of the cities and towns of the world being more rude and inconsiderate to others than they are on everyother day of the year. This year was no different.
When you work retail, these selfsame people see you as a open target. You are not allowed to fight back, you see. You are a shop monkey and will stand there and take the abuse that they heap on you or they will tell your superiors to fire you...in His mercy.
By way of example here are a couple of antidotes from this year.
It was like any other day at the shop. I was behind the counter when I was not out on the floor helping people make their selections. During this time of year, my standard farewell is to wish the cusomer a "Happy Holidays". My reasoning for this is that we have many kinds of people that pass through our doors. This throng includes many Jews, Athiests, Agnostics and even Hindus and [gasp!] Muslems. In fact, not a single person that works at my shop, fulltime, is a Christian. The owner is a Muslem etc...you get the idea. Well, I told a woman "Happy Holidays". I was pleasent, polite and even sincere. She, however, was not amused. This whirley-eyed fanatic of the O'Reilly cult looked incredulously at me and said "What? I want you to wish me a Merry Christmas you coward! I don't go to shops that merely say 'Happy Holidays.'" I could not believe that she was serious. However, the tone of her voice and the look on her face told me that she was, in fact, very serious. I was torn. Under normal circumstances, if a man had called me a coward, out on the street...as they say "them would be fightin' words." However, instead I plaintively and politely reminded her that many of our customers are not, in fact, Christians and I alway opt on the side of respect in such matters (particularly because this event took palce about half way through Hannaka.) She gave me a look like I just stepped off of a space ship and left the building.
I should have prefaced this little tale with the caveat that although not a Xian, when people wish me a Merry Christmas I return the greeting and am not offended. I know that they mean well and are being polite and perhaps even wish me well for the season. However, this harpy was not sincere in her holiday wishes...she was only interested in one thing. Asserting power over me, which is exactly what Jesus would do, right?
The second event of note needs a little set up. My regular cusomers, on the whole, are a bit chummy with me, its that kind of shop. The kind of shop where if you come in regularly everybody knows your name and many many good conversations can be found. (no, I do not work at a bar!) A few of the regularly guys and I were musing one day about customer service and such and I made a joke that our new customer service motto was going to be "We're not happy until you're not happy" These fellows thought it would be a fun idea to have a shirt printed up for me with the motto on it and one day they surprised me with a really cool, silk screened shirt bearing said slogan and blazoned with a skull and crossed bones. It was really thoughtfull of them and I was very amused. They indicated that I should wear the shirt to work so I told them I would. I wore the thing during the Xmas eve rush and most everybody (non-regulars included) got a chuckle out of it. However, the day after Xmas my boss calls me and tells me that some old woman had called the Better Business Bureau and told them that I was wearing a shirt that was "anti-Xmas" and that she was shocked and appauled by it. She also took the time to note that she had heard that the owner of the shop was not a christian (he is, in fact a muslem). The BBB then took it upon themselves to bother my boss with this rubbish. My boss is a very busy man, however, he took the time to delve deeper into the Dickensian Christmas horror by asking a few questions. He asked the BBB lady if the women had told (or even knows) what the shirt said. The BBB stormtrooper indicated the negative. Now, incase you are worried about the employment future of your humble narrator, worry not. My boss knows that this lady was full of crap and does not hold ill will for yours truely. However, I am mortified that his time was wasted, sad that I am no longer in conscience able to wear that shirt that the regulars at the shop bought and paid for and most of all I am annoyed that some gorgon actually took the time and expended the energy it took to make this complaint against me, obviously in hopes of getting me in some kind of hot Xmas soup with my job.
What bothers me most is that she did not even have valour enough to confront me with the issue. If she had I would have only said one thing to her. "You're a Christian aren't you?" quoth I "then forgive me."

Top Ten Blasphemous Gifts for Christmas

2007-12-12T08:54:00.000-06:00

The David Beckham/Posh Spice Nativity Scene

The Cheeses of Nazareth Crew could think of no better way to observe the birth of Christ than with an onslaught of blasphemy.

Here are our top ten pics for blasphemous Christmas Gifts.

10. T-Shirt: Weapons of Mass Destruction(depicts a bible and a Koran)

9. T-Shirt: Jesus Loves Me, But I make him wear a condom(even more effective worn by men)

8. T-Shirt: What Would Jesus Bomb?Heh

7. Bobblehead Jesus a favorite classic.

6. Jesus Magic 8-Ball. More reliable than the voices in your head, and you can still say Jesus told you to do it!

5. The Submissive Jesus Talking Head. FINALLY some answer to prayer.

4. Magnetic Dress-up Jesus. Magnetic picture of Jesus on the Cross, with a collection of little oufits to put on him. Mwwwaaaa haaa haaa haaaaaaa. Every refrigerator needs one.

3. Jack Hammer Jesus If only Linda Blair had known

2. Baby Jesus Butt Plug. There’s a Jesus shaped space in your anus that only he can fill.

1. And the number one most horrendous offensive gift of all time...... is our gift to you, gentle reader...... watch "Rudolph the Five Legged Reindeer" online for free. (Unless your under 18. IF you are under 18 and attempt to watch this movie Jesus will strike you with blindness)

Dieties That Abuse and the Nomadic Jews That Love Them

2007-12-07T13:29:00.004-06:00

Image via news.bbc.co.uk/

Abuse is defined as the systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain power and control over another.

Usually people think in terms of “do they hit me?”- but abuse includes psychological control by threatening a persons well being, or to take away the basic “food, clothing, shelter, safety” needed for survival.

Deuteronomy 28 is a list of promises and threats Yahweh levels at his followers. The promises are wild and lavish, and completely improbable. Everyone will be rich, no one will be sick, every enemy will be defeated, everyone will be drinking free bubble up and eating that rainbow stew, etc. The list of threats is equally lavish--disease, poverty, war, slavery, death, torture, etc. etc. An entire book of laws and stipulations follows it. (Later the apostle Paul explains this was kind of a joke, meant to show us that we can NEVER obey all the law, and even if we did, it could not give us righteousness. And then, because the original set of threats was not severe enough, eternal damnation is added to the list.)

A casual look at the Old Testament will show Yaweh is not bluffing. Disease, death, enemy attacks, and slavery abound.

At one point he gets annoyed at the Israelites because after wandering around in the desert eating the same damn food everyday, they start to get a little cranky. So he sends them a flock of tainted quail, and a fuck-ton of nomadic jews drop dead. (Numbers 11)

Think about this in human terms. You are married to a spouse who makes you and your children eat bread and honey every single day. At first it aint bad- Hey, its bread and honey. After about sixteen months it’s the most loathsome thing you can possibly think of to eat. (The kids have started eating paste and crayons.) So you suggest that perhaps it is time to go out to eat and try something new.

Your request is ignored, and more honey and bread appears. (There are now only three crayons left, the paste is gone, and the children are chewing the hell out of your leather shoes.) You tell him/her plainly that this is getting old, and you just need something different to eat. He/she says, “Okay, fine!”

You feel apprehensive at the tone of voice, but are so relieved at getting to eat something different you don’t care. The smell of roasted pheasant fills the dining room, the children stop chewing on your shoes, and you all gather at the table with tears of relief. Your spouse is taciturn, but places a feast on the table worthy of any holiday. After six months of bread and honey you and the children go into an ape-shit feeding frenzy.

Suddenly you don’t feel well. The room starts spinning. Then you loose consciousness and fall into the gravy. Two days later you wake up in the hospital and find out your spouse had poisoned the meal-- angry because you did not appreciate his/her loving provision of bread and honey. You learn that your children are dead. They were too small to survive the poisoning.

Do you (A) realize what a bad person you were to take your spouse for granted, and apologize, admitting that he/she is completely justified to murder your children, you have learned your lesson, and are more in love with them than ever…

Or (B) Divorce the crazy bitch/asshole and press charges of murder/attempted murder?

(Heres a hint, if you said A, please seek professional help ASAP, or visit the nearest Christian church, you'll fit right in.)

What Would Zombies Do?

2007-12-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

W.W.Z.D.?
Maybe the person you already model yourself after was a little like a zombie…

People get sensitive when you bring Jebus into things, especially things like zombies. The hypothesis that Jebus himself might have been a zombie (and the corresponding religion he founded something like a zombie-cult) is just too radical for most people even to consider. So instead of asserting anything directly, let’s just look at some fact and let people make up their own minds:

Everyone agrees that big J is known to have died, stayed dead for three days, and then to have been magically reanimated to walk the earth once again. That is to say, he rose from the dead.

He was known to raise the dead himself when it suited his purposes.

Jebus wore rags, sandals and had an unkempt beard. (Zombies are also known to appear in this fashion.)

Jebus was attacked on sight by the “authorities” of his day, who regarded him as “dangerous” and “a threat to society.”

When he was put to death, a “regular” execution simply wouldn’t do the trick. It took a “special procedure” to keep him down.

His people stumbled through the desert.

He taught that everyone can be, in a sense, resurrected.

His followers were frequently covered with open wounds and sores.

He could apparently traverse water without drowning.

Jebus was never really in a hurry. He didn’t run a lot. Slow and steady won the race, wherever he was going.

The organization founded in his honor maintains blood-drinking and flesh-eating rituals to this day.

He is known to have been “fathered” or “created” under mysterious, unnatural circumstances.

To this day, followers of Jebus are still known to congregate in malls.

Finally, the religion Jebus founded has a way of catching on. It gets passed from person to person. “Conversions” seem to be involved, and so forth. A member “infects” non-members, making them like himself. Then it spreads exponentially. Like a virus.

Excerpted from "the Zen of Zombie: Better Liveing Through the Undead" by Scott Kenemore