Confessions of a Retail Whore

Yes, its true...I am a retail whore. What else is a guy to do with two masters degrees? However, education is not my topic here. No, the subject of tonights epistle is the Xmas retail season. I have never been a huge fan of Xmas. It has always seemed to be a day when the members of my family took special glee in inflicting misery and derision on everyone else. Kind of like that Simpson's episode when they are all hooked up to the electroshock machine and they each have a button that is capable of giving someone else in the circuit a shock...if you don't know what I mean check it out. You will understand.
Added to this great Xmastide tradition is that of the shopping season. It is a time when everyone drives the roads of the cities and towns of the world being more rude and inconsiderate to others than they are on everyother day of the year. This year was no different.
When you work retail, these selfsame people see you as a open target. You are not allowed to fight back, you see. You are a shop monkey and will stand there and take the abuse that they heap on you or they will tell your superiors to fire you...in His mercy.
By way of example here are a couple of antidotes from this year.
It was like any other day at the shop. I was behind the counter when I was not out on the floor helping people make their selections. During this time of year, my standard farewell is to wish the cusomer a "Happy Holidays". My reasoning for this is that we have many kinds of people that pass through our doors. This throng includes many Jews, Athiests, Agnostics and even Hindus and [gasp!] Muslems. In fact, not a single person that works at my shop, fulltime, is a Christian. The owner is a Muslem etc...you get the idea. Well, I told a woman "Happy Holidays". I was pleasent, polite and even sincere. She, however, was not amused. This whirley-eyed fanatic of the O'Reilly cult looked incredulously at me and said "What? I want you to wish me a Merry Christmas you coward! I don't go to shops that merely say 'Happy Holidays.'" I could not believe that she was serious. However, the tone of her voice and the look on her face told me that she was, in fact, very serious. I was torn. Under normal circumstances, if a man had called me a coward, out on the street...as they say "them would be fightin' words." However, instead I plaintively and politely reminded her that many of our customers are not, in fact, Christians and I alway opt on the side of respect in such matters (particularly because this event took palce about half way through Hannaka.) She gave me a look like I just stepped off of a space ship and left the building.
I should have prefaced this little tale with the caveat that although not a Xian, when people wish me a Merry Christmas I return the greeting and am not offended. I know that they mean well and are being polite and perhaps even wish me well for the season. However, this harpy was not sincere in her holiday wishes...she was only interested in one thing. Asserting power over me, which is exactly what Jesus would do, right?
The second event of note needs a little set up. My regular cusomers, on the whole, are a bit chummy with me, its that kind of shop. The kind of shop where if you come in regularly everybody knows your name and many many good conversations can be found. (no, I do not work at a bar!) A few of the regularly guys and I were musing one day about customer service and such and I made a joke that our new customer service motto was going to be "We're not happy until you're not happy" These fellows thought it would be a fun idea to have a shirt printed up for me with the motto on it and one day they surprised me with a really cool, silk screened shirt bearing said slogan and blazoned with a skull and crossed bones. It was really thoughtfull of them and I was very amused. They indicated that I should wear the shirt to work so I told them I would. I wore the thing during the Xmas eve rush and most everybody (non-regulars included) got a chuckle out of it. However, the day after Xmas my boss calls me and tells me that some old woman had called the Better Business Bureau and told them that I was wearing a shirt that was "anti-Xmas" and that she was shocked and appauled by it. She also took the time to note that she had heard that the owner of the shop was not a christian (he is, in fact a muslem). The BBB then took it upon themselves to bother my boss with this rubbish. My boss is a very busy man, however, he took the time to delve deeper into the Dickensian Christmas horror by asking a few questions. He asked the BBB lady if the women had told (or even knows) what the shirt said. The BBB stormtrooper indicated the negative. Now, incase you are worried about the employment future of your humble narrator, worry not. My boss knows that this lady was full of crap and does not hold ill will for yours truely. However, I am mortified that his time was wasted, sad that I am no longer in conscience able to wear that shirt that the regulars at the shop bought and paid for and most of all I am annoyed that some gorgon actually took the time and expended the energy it took to make this complaint against me, obviously in hopes of getting me in some kind of hot Xmas soup with my job.
What bothers me most is that she did not even have valour enough to confront me with the issue. If she had I would have only said one thing to her. "You're a Christian aren't you?" quoth I "then forgive me."